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BUSH
LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS
By S. Artist * Reuters*
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4,
2000) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court
today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and
then checking it twice. The
complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon,
asking the court to effectively ban his traditional
practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time
before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal
judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and
duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as
submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary
modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice.
It's totally arbitrary and capricious.
How many more times does he need to check?
This checking, checking, and
re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James
Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all
boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are
brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what
he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really
awful, really bad," said Bush. "My
mother just walked right in and told 'em she was Mrs. Claus.
They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St.
Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I
call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit
checking your list. The
children of the world have had enough. They
demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already
selected a name for the pony she's
asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled.
The "Million Man
Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We
need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight,
and he hasn't said 'Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf.
"He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
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